Oh dear gods!
by aangismyhomie
Summary: A series of oneshots involving the most awkward moments at Camp Half-Blood. Canon pairings. RATED T FOR A REASON!
1. Don't drink it

**Hi everyone! So, this one is rated T for now because I don't really think I was that descriptive...but if any of you guys think this should be rated M please let me know and I'll change it immediately. Also, this one is meant to be funny and awkward, like most of my stories, and will probably be resolved if I continue this with other one shots, I'd like this to be a collection of sorts. A collection of awkward, funny moments that happen whenever people try to be intimate. **

**On a more different note, this first one shot is dedicated to for letting me touch her in all the wrong places. And because I love her. That too. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians. **

"So, yeah. That's when I told the soldier that if my father wanted to see me, he could just come and get me myself." Nico surveyed his fingernails and grinned at Marlena, the daughter of Hecate who was (barely) tolerating his conversation at the moment. Marlena stared at him with black-rimmed eyes.

"That's idiotic. Your father is the god of death." She said critically. "You're lucky he didn't kill you." Nico shrugged casually and continued to relay the account of his rebelliousness.

"Lemme tell you what Lena, he certainly came to get me after that." Marlena rolled her eyes and began walking away, but turned after a step or two to add,

"I wonder if he didn't kill you because he knew that afterward you would HAVE to spend all your time in the Underworld. Maybe he just didn't want to deal with you. I certainly don't." With a huff she vanished in a cloud of smoke.

"Marlena, wait!" Nico waved his hands through the smoke. "Don't go! I-"

"Need to get laid?" Grover finished the sentence for him. "Yes, yes you do." Nico turned to the satyr and glared at him pointedly.

"How long have you been standing there?" Nico asked. Grover shrugged.

"20...30 minutes." He guessed. Nico slapped his forehead in frustration and plopped down to the ground.

"That's fantastic, thanks for telling me." He said sarcastically. Grover shook his head.

"Nico, Nico, Nico. Really, you're starving for sexual fulfillment as much as...you know, a sixteen year old who wants to lose his virginity to the girl he loves but she rejects him because she's the host to the Oracle of Delphi so he tries his best to get with any girl he can so he can feel like he's somewhat desirable because he has horribly low self esteem and has decided that if it can't be with Rachel he doesn't care who it is because it won't be nearly as good, his virtue doesn't matter anymore, and he's tired of being his own best friend." Grover took a well-deserved breath. Nico glared at him pointedly.

"So, _why_ are you here?" he asked, hoping that Grover would let the subject change easily.

"Well...Percy's at his cabin, and Annabeth's still on her quest with Clarisse...forget about girls for now, Nico. Let's go hang out with Percy." Nico shrugged.

"Yeah, that'll be fun, I guess." He sighed. "I just...Rachel-"

"Let's go." Grover snorted and grabbed Nico by the forearm and dragged him in the direction of the cabins.

Percy stumbled into his cabin covered in sweat and dirt from a long, stressful climb on the rock wall he had only really done to expend some energy so he wouldn't keep thinking about Annabeth. She had been on a quest to rescue a recently discovered demigod for ten days now, and he couldn't help but be worried even though she was iris messaging every day and said that she was just fine and would be coming home soon. Still...he had trouble functioning when Annabeth wasn't around. Just today he had actually stepped outside with his underwear on outside of his pants. It's like his head wasn't in the right place when she wasn't there. Or his underwear, for that matter.

Since there wasn't anything he could do about that and he probably smelled bad and felt pretty sticky, he decided to grab a quick shower before Nico and Grover came to chill. Sighing, he headed for the shower, twisted the knobs, shed his clothes and stepped under the water. He would have pulled his shower curtain, but after his most recent retrieval quest the Ares cabin volunteered to make his shroud, and that was that. He really should get a new one soon, he thought to himself as he lathered up his hair and rinsed. He was scrubbing his back when he heard a very familiar, very seductive whisper.

"Percy." He straightened up at the sound of Annabeth's voice and looked around for her, but saw nothing.

"Annabeth?" He asked. "Can you take off the hat?" In a flash, she was in front of him.

And sort of completely naked.

"Hey, I missed you."

"You're sort of completely naked." Percy noted.

"Well, I've been fighting to get a demigod into camp all day and I could a shower too...mind if I step in?"

"Annabeth...Nico and Grover are coming over to hang out tonight..." Percy was kicking himself for rejecting her, but it would probably scar him and everyone involved if his cousin and boyfriend walked in on them.

"I just wanted to be with you...this is more for practicality than pleasure, okay? I won't get us involved in...too much." Percy raised an eyebrow, but she pursed her lips at him in that way that was so very Annabeth that he couldn't resist pulling her into his arms. After a kiss he asked her if anyone else knew she was back yet.

"Yep, I couldn't really avoid it. But Malcolm is covering for me in exchange for keeping him and Katie a secret."

"They're dating?" Percy asked, his brows furrowed in that adorable manner of his. Annabeth nodded.

"Yeah, I caught them in the-shoot! I just told you." She grabbed a bar of soap and rubbed it up her arm. He shrugged and looked her over. It wasn't too big a deal to see her unclothed anymore; they had been fairly intimate since the beginning of their relationship three years ago. Still didn't mean he didn't enjoy it, and it certainly didn't mean that he didn't want to touch her. Slowly, he ran his hands over her shoulder blades and kissed her along her jawline, planting a peck on her lips from time to time as she giggled.

"Hey, Percy!" The couple froze in place when they heard Grover's voice. "We're here!"

"Oh, hang on guys! I'm still in the shower, just wait a minute." He leaned over and grabbed Annabeth's hat from the edge of the sink, handing it to her hastily and motioning for her to crouch down. "I'm going to rinse off and get dressed...maybe I can get them distracted and you can sneak out."

"All right." She grumbled, clearly frustrated for the interruption. As she adjusted her position she noticed that the bar of soap she held had slipped out of her hand and slid near the base of the toilet. Percy dismissed it with a wave of his hand, but Annabeth felt a bit uneasy about it being there where someone could so easily slip on it.

In the main room of the cabin, Grover was chilling on Percy's bed while Nico looked through his cousin's belongings. There were clothes, weapons, some college textbooks, and...score! A stray carton of chocolate milk on his bedside table. Nico hesitated for a moment, but then decided that he would pay Percy back and opened the carton hastily, taking a few gulps before he noticed something funny.

"Hey Percy?" He asked warily.

"Yeah?" Percy called over the running water.

"Um...what's up with this chocolate milk on your bedside table?"

"Oh my gods, you didn't drink it, did you?" Nico pitched forward slightly, holding his stomach. He felt very nauseous all of a sudden. Actually, checking the date on the carton made him even more nauseous. He dropped the carton to the ground, the last stray drops of chocolate milk dripping out onto the floor.

"Are you okay?" Grover asked, his attention having been drawn from the carton hitting the floor. "Nico?" The son of Hades ran for the bathroom on instinct, knowing that a violent bout of sickness was on the way.

"COVER UP ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT SEEN!" He yelled as he threw open the bathroom door and seized the toilet bowl just in time to vomit with...gusto. Percy stared, slowly shutting off the faucet and shaking out his hair.

After about ten minutes of awkward vomiting Nico finally stopped and stood, feeling weary but a bit better.

"Dude...are you okay?" Percy asked.

"Don't worry, I'm fi-WOAH!" As he shifted in his step Nico slipped on the bar of soap Annabeth had fatefully dropped earlier and fell forward, landing on Annabeth. She slid into lying diagonally across the shower floor. Nico fell on her, his face on one of her breasts and his hand on the other.

Nico, however, had no idea what he had landed on, as Annabeth had been wearing her Yankees cap and was invisible...what was this thing he was holding? Nico had no idea. It was squishy, round, and...

No.

YES!

Nico di Angelo realized that at this moment that he was holding (and involuntarily eating) a pair of breasts. No, they couldn't be just any sort of breasts, because this was Percy's shower and Percy swore he was straight. Besides, that one time with Grover HAD been an accident...so it must be a LADY breast. Nico di Angelo was a man now. A man who handled LADY BREASTS.

Oh. Oh SHIT.

This was PERCY'S shower.

Which meant...this lady breast...this wasn't just a lady breast (unless Percy was a two-timer or something, which Nico was sure he wasn't).

THIS WAS AN ANNABETH LADY BREAST.

Well, maybe it wasn't. Nico focused on the size of the breast in his right hand, trying to size it up. It was definitely the right size.

FUCK.

He brought his head up to see Annabeth's dropped jaw and twitching eye. Percy was staring in astonishment and covering his junk with both hands. Grover (who had run in after hearing the commotion) was on the floor in the fetal position, whimpering.

"I...Annabeth...I am SO SORRY." Nico choked out. Her lips twitched as if she was trying to form words but just couldn't bring herself to. Percy's face seemed to be stuck, and Grover had gone silent. "I'll just...Grover?" He looked back at the heap of satyr on the linoleum floor. Nico walked over to Grover and struggled, but after a moment found himself able to lift the satyr up from the ground and stumble out of the bathroom. He set Grover down outside of the cabin, ignoring his moans about food as he went for his own cabin. He felt sick again, and not just from the sour milk.

**Sorry you had to read that. Unless you enjoyed it, then please review and anticipate more! **


	2. Don't Google it

**Yay, chapter 2! I came up with this idea and couldn't deny it. Forgive me. Also, if you've never googled this term I strongly advise AGAINST it. Please. Ask a friend who has and THEN google it if you feel that's necessary, but don't just run into this blindly. It won't end well. AT ALL. **

**Also, this may appear confusing, but this chapter is mostly crack with a little bit of sense thrown in at the beginning. There was so much potential for nonsensical silliness I just couldn't pass up! Sorry if you don't get it, but cookies if you do! (Well...if you don't get it you can have a cookie too.)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians**

"Percy, I am positive that there is no restaurant in New York- or the entire country, for that matter, that serves blue food." Nico scuffed the floor of the subway with his shoe, beginning to get impatient with his late train. He heard his cousin's frustrated huff from the other end of the line.

"Not even blue breakfast food?" Percy flipped through the yellow pages for the fourteenth time that week. "Come on! I want this to be the best visit ever."

"I don't think Thalia's gonna care about blue...breakfast food..." Nico looked at the time again. Gods, it said the train would be fifteen minutes late half an hour ago!

"Not just blue breakfast food, blue waffles." Percy said. Nico raised an eyebrow.

"Blue waffles?" He asked, confused. "Why the shit does Thalia need blue waffles?" Percy shrugged.

"Dunno, but she keeps emailing Annabeth something about them...apparently it's been going on for a while, and I figured that if I can get her some then she'll stop annoying Annabeth." Nico thanked...whoever controlled trains when it finally pulled up. He slung his duffel bag over his shoulder and switched hands to hold on to his phone.

"And you care about that because why?" He asked as he shuffled between seats to find an empty one. Percy's stuttered excuse told him why without Percy even having to say it: he had probably been planning on getting some one night and the email put Annabeth out of the mood. Hades, he would probably go to ridiculous lengths to prevent that from happening too. But blue waffles? Really?

"Could you Google it? Just type in 'blue waffles' or something." He advised as he handed a ticket collector some cash. He heard a general hubbub as Percy went to his room and got on his computer. A clatter of keys later, he heard a frustrated sigh.

"Shoot, I'm on images. Whatever, I'll get it back to web when it lo-OH POSEIDON WHAT IS WHY IS OH MY GODS!"

"Percy?" Nico asked. His cousin had hung up. He was about to call back when he noticed a shady old lady boarding and sitting across the aisle. _"Fuck," _he thought. _"I knew I was pushing it with the cell phone." _Well, a monster attack wasn't enough to ruin his day, he had his Stygian iron in his bag. He snapped the communication device in half to prevent anymore nasties crawling his way and began to stow the broken pieces in his bag, hastily dropping one across the aisle and stabbing the Granny before anyone could notice he was doing anything but picking up his busted tech out of a sandy pile. When his stop came he rushed off the train and headed for his cousin's apartment, afraid of what awaited his arrival.

He fumbled with his keys to unlock the front door but finally managed it and burst through the entrance, looking around. Odd, no Sally or Paul around. He dropped his bag next to the couch and called for Percy...nothing. Beginning to panic, Nico ran to his cousin's room to find Percy on the floor, staring up at the ceiling with an unblinking stare, his chest no longer rising and falling with breath. Nico was about to shake him when he caught sight of the image on the computer.

"OHMYGODSWHY!WHYYYYYY!" He grabbed his head and tried to rip out his hair, open his skull, take out his brain and boil it, anything, anything that would wash away the disgust! Stepping backward, he tripped over a stray textbook and fell, breaking his neck as his head smacked against Percy's bedside table and he fell onto a chair, his lifeless body slipping onto the hardwood floor.

"The internet." Rod Serling stepped into the room, pipe in hand. "A useful tool, some may say. A tool used by man to access all corners of the world, an information highway, a world wide web of knowledge. But some things should never be seen. Especially when a simple Google search takes you to...the Twilight Zone."

**So yeah...this pretty much turned into crack after a while...but I couldn't really resist. No, they're not really dead, and this incident will never be addressed again in the other chapters. Actually, most of these are going to stand alone unless I say otherwise, so don't expect any type of story arc. I hoped you enjoyed, even though this was a tricky chapter. See you next time!**


	3. Don't listen to it

**Hey! I know I haven't updated in a while, but I just got this idea! Hope you all enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians. **

"Hurry up, dude!" Grover shoved Nico in the shoulder. "If Percy finds out that we tried to make his fish in the fountain grow hair and accidentally killed his favorite one-"

"I know, keep your horns on!" Nio settled his hands over the fish. "Percy shouldn't be back from canoeing until-" A loud moan came from the porch outside, along with the fiddling of the doorknob to get into the cabin. The intruders turned to each other with wide eyes.

"Until he decides that he and Annbeth need an early afternoon fuck fest. Run!" Grover grabbed Nico, who clutched the fish in shock, and ducked into the bathroom. Nico whimpered when he heard his cousin and Annabeth moaning and shifting on one of the beds.

"Dammit, I hope no one's covering for them this time." Nico mumbled. Grover shook his head.

"Doubt it, dude. Percy and I use the same people to cover our hook-ups, and we've got some pretty flawless agents." Nico rolled his eyes.

"What, Malcolm and Katie?" Grover smirked.

"Try Miss Piper McLean, my good friend." He said with a waggle of his eyebrows. Nico shook his head.

"No way, dude. Piper's too much of a sucker for the rules."

"Actually, she's more of a sucker for romance, if you know what I mean." Grover held up a fan of polaroids, all of them candid shots of Jason without a shirt. Nico narrowed his eyes.

"Grover...I really worry about you some-"

"AUGH!" The conversation was interrupted by a loud groan from the other room. Nico cringed.

"I don't want to listen to my cousin...get it on anymore, you know?" Nico whispered through more groans. "You think there's any way out of this."

"I don't think there is dude, not until they're...you know, finished." Grover shuddered. "Let's just hope it's nice and-"

"Joo! What are joo doing dere, eh? You dink I payin' you to sit around, leelte girl?" Both Nico and Grover turned to the sound of Annabth's voice putting on a husky Mexican accent.

"Oh, Senor, I do not mean to be so lazy." Came back Percy's shy falsetto. "I jus find myself so deestracted around your lovely rance. The unfortunate restroom prisonsers looked at each other with matching expressions of disgust.

"Are they roleplaying?" Nico spat out the last word like it was rotten food. "As...an aggressive Mexican ranch owner and his farmgirl, or something?"

"Oh Senor, you look at me so strangely!" Percy's thrilling act continued from the bedroom as tears began to trail down Nico's cheeks.

"My leetle desert flower, I cannot help myself. Your black eyes trail over me and I cannot help but feel, preevaliged to be seen by them." Percy let out a little feminine laugh as Nico curled up into a ball, too weirded out to whimper or whine. Grover decided that the bathroom was suddenly very, very interesting.

"Oh Senor, the way you talk to me...I feel a fire burning in my leelte Mexican virgin's heart. Loove me, Senor."

"Bueno, Senorita. Muoi Bueno." There was an accompaniment of lips smacking and ruffling sheets to the end of their (thankfully short roleplay), and when the act was said and done the two lovers quickly prepared themselves for camp duties, applying deodarant, re-combing their hair, straightening out their clothes and the like. When they finally left the silence that filled the cabin was just too blissful for Grover or Nico to move for the moment.

"I...I guess this is what we get for playing in-cabin pranks on Percy." Grover reflected.

"WHY DON'T I EVER LEARN!" Nico's desperate cry was muffled by his sleeve.


End file.
